I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
