She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
