Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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