Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
