My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
