gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
