I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
