I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
