Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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