I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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