A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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