There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
