wanna go halves on a baby?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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