just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
