How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
