At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
