Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
