god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
