I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
