Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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