I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize