dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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