I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
