did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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