she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
