I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Randomize
