a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
