I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
