Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
