I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
