ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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