What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
