if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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