I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
