it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
