I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
