I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
