i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
