I faked an abortion last night.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
