Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
my liver is dry heaving
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
