there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
