Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
