On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
