i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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