I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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