Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
