If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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