im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
