we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
