guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
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I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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