im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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