Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
