help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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