I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
