The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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