U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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