Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
