I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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