she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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