She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
