i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
